Image
By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
EXT. A VERY FOGGY CORUSCANT
A glimmering ship cuts through the fog, eventually landing, followed closely by two smaller Nubian transports.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Look! We figured out how to do fog!
JAY LAGA'AIA emerges from one of the smaller ships, as does THE REAL SENATOR NATALIE PORTMAN
JAY LAGA'AIA
Looks like there was no danger at all. I suppose your decoy can get off the ship now.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS (CONT'D)
Decoy? Was I planning on still screwing around with that horrible bullshit?
Suddenly, the ship explodes, killing crew members and NATALIE'S DECOY! Every single element of all shots now appear to be computer-generated.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Decoy! No!
NATALIE'S DECOY
I'm sorry, I've failed you.
NATALIE PORTMAN
How? You were my decoy. This was your job - in fact, this was your ONLY job. Frankly, I'm not sure why I'm so upset, why else did I think I was hiring you?
NATALIE'S DECOY (dies)
NATALIE PORTMAN
Wait, since you're my decoy, shouldn't you at least look like me? And not be Mexican?
JAY LAGA'AIA
We have to go to another obviously computer-generated location and interact with computer-generated characters. Hurry, before the movie gets boring.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Look, I really appreciate your concern, but this is the second movie where you've been up my butt.
JAY LAGA'AIA
No no, that was the other black security guy. I have an eye patch. See?
NATALIE PORTMAN
So, what, do I find all of the black people in the galaxy and make them my security guards?
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
NATALIE PORTMAN enters a room full of JEDI COUNCIL MEMBERS and the aging SENATOR IAN MCDIARMID.
IAN MCDIARMID
Natalie! You look.. Exactly the same. Why am I the only one who actually aged ten years?
NATALIE looks in the vicinity of the floor, where FRANK OZ sits with a green mask on in front of a giant blue set.
YODA
Heard about the explosion, I did. Seeing you again brings warmness to my heart. Wait, that's not my heart.
IAN MCDIARMID
I'm bringing in Ewan McGregor and Hayden Christensen to keep an eye on you.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Why them?
IAN MCDIARMID
Because it's part of my evil scheme. Uh, somehow. Look, do you want to pork the little kid from Tatooine or not?
JAR JAR
When they arrive, I'll be sure to announce it twice for no reason.
AUDIENCE
GOD DAMN IT! FUCK YOU! WHY ARE YOU STILL FUCKING HERE?! Jesus Christ on a crapstick!
EXT. CORUSCANT
LEANNA WALSMAN and TEMUERA MORRISON meet inconspicuously.
TEMUERA MORRISON
Here. I got these assassin bugs for you to use.
LEANNA WALSMAN
Thanks for the bugs. It's a good thing you, a bounty hunter, hired me, a bounty hunter, to do absolutely nothing other than put this tube into a flying droid which you could just as easily possess. It gives me some real purpose.
TEMUERA MORRISON
Meh. You make another action figure. With quick-change face shift action!
INT. CORUSCANT BEDROOM
NATALIE sleeps, R2D2 guarding over her. EWAN and HAYDEN are in the adjacent room.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Just being around her again is intoxicating. I haven't seen her since the last movie.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Wait a minute... Coruscant appears to be the home base to both the Senate and the Jedi.. And you haven't even run into each other in ten years?
Hayden has his eyes closed and and a shit-eating grin on his face.
EWAN MCGREGOR (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
She made me turn the cameras off. Luckily for me, her thoughts betray her - she's having one of those nightmares where she shows up to the senate naked. Mmmm.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Hayden, pay attention. Be mindful of the force and do what I tell you. I had almost completed my own Padawan training when I took you as my apprentice, so I have ever so slightly more training than you.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Nuh uh.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Yuh huh! And I do a great impression of Alec Guinness, too!
AUDIENCE
Wow.. So.. Uh.. apprently Jedi bicker incessantly.
NATALIE PORTMAN (O.S.)
Icky! Bugs!
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN runs in, hops on the bed, and kills the bugs.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I knew I'd be on top of you in bed someday.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Bah. Ten years of Jedi training and the coolest thing you've done is be a badass exterminator.
YODA
Set the story into motion we must. Ewan, get to the bottom of this. Talk to a distractingly CGI character in a diner.
EWAN MCGREGOR
A diner? Doesn't a diner severely ruin a sense of the distant fantasy Star Wars holds?
YODA
Ahem. Midichlorians.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Diner. Right. I'm on my way.
YODA
Hayden, you will take Natalie back to Naboo. She'll be safer with an unpredictable, dangerous apprentice who shouldn't have been trained than she would be on a planet populated largely by Jedi.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Don't use registered transports, either.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I was thinking she could ride my--
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Just go.
INT. CORUSCANT BEDROOM
HAYDEN is whining to NATALIE as she packs.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
..and, and he always yells at me in front of my friends, and he won't let me watch TV past 10, and he tells the CORNIEST jokes when we're out in public..
NATALIE PORTMAN
Jesus, is this your way of impressing me?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(leering at her) No, my boyish magazine-cover-model eyes are.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Don't look at me like that.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Why not?
NATALIE PORTMAN
Because it could get you arrested anywhere else, you fucking creep.
They get into a blue screen, which later becomes a SHIP.
NATALIE PORTMAN
I'm scared, Hayden. I'm scared that I'll be known only for Star Wars because obsessive geeks can't seem to separate me from my characters.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I'm scared too. Hey, but we have R2 with us!
NATALIE PORTMAN
Ha ha! Wait, why? Doesn't he fix ships? Why is he even here?
EXT. RAIN PLANET
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Look! We got rain right too!
EWAN MCGREGOR slowly uncovers the extremely simplistic mystery. He meets TEMUERA MORRISON
EWAN MCGREGOR
Hi there.
TEMUERA MORRISON
I'm just a simple man trying to make his way in the universe.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Er, um, that's great. So who are you?
TEMUERA MORRISON
My clone son is Boba Fett. He was a small role in the original trilogy and ravenous Star Wars fanboys elevated his importance based merely on his cool appearance. George Lucas, utterly sacrificing whatever vision he claims to have for the series, has made his role much more important by coincidently making his father responsible for the clone wars. But you can take a flying leap up my ass, Jedi scum.
They FIGHT.
TEMUERA MORRISON (CONT'D)
Isn't it cool how badass I look?
EWAN MCGREGOR
Actually, you seem somewhat inept in this fight. I'm outsmarting you and kicking your ass repeatedly.
TEMUERA MORRISON
Hey, I said I look cool, I didn't say I was good at fighting. I'm modeled after the original Boba Fett; he gets killed by a blind guy accidentally.
TEMUERA MORRISON escapes, sans much of his armor and weaponry.
EXT. ENORMOUS, OPEN FIELD
Romantic music swells in the background as HAYDEN and NATALIE sit in the grass, talking.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
It's hard being a Jedi. I like the part where I kill stuff and kick ass, but the stuff about not bumping uglies with you totally sucks.
NATALIE PORTMAN
I thought love was forbidden for a Jedi.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Whoa whoa whoa. Let's not go throwing the L-word around so suddenly, I just want to fuck. Now why don't you get naked and stop being a senator.
NATALIE PORTMAN
You really hate politicians, don't you?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I don't think the system works. We need someone telling everyone else how to think.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Sounds an awful lot like the original trilogy to me.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
It's better than the system you've devoted your life and childhood to, you pathetic waste of flesh.
NATALIE PORTMAN
I think I'm falling in love with you. You know how to sweet talk a lady.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Guh, you're soft. Can I touch you?
NATALIE PORTMAN
Let's wrestle in an uncomfortably erotic manner.
They run through the open field, playing with animals and giggling like children. NATALIE'S sundress flows behind her majestically.
AUDIENCE
(staring at tickets) Star. Wars. Attack. Clones. (looking back at the screen) Did we walk into the wrong theater?
NATALIE PORTMAN
I won't let genital herpes get in the way of MY youthful frolicking!
INT. SECRET EVIL BASE
EWAN MCGREGOR uncovers a secret meeting between CHRISTOPHER LEE and a bunch of FUCKING CARTOONS.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Soon, every powerful group in the galaxy will join my cause. Then, we will take over! Uh, I mean, separate from the republic.
EVIL ALIEN
I'm back, but my obviously Asian accent has been toned down a bit. I agree with you, Christopher Ree! Now, let's kill Natalie Portman, because I apparentry have gone from being corrupt and stupid to being insanery sadistic and stupid in the last ten years.
Various PATHETICALLY FAKE LOOKING CHARACTERS respond in agreement to CHRISTOPHER LEE.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Jeepers, R4! I better get a message back to the gang!
INT. DARK ROOM WITH A FIREPLACE
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I love you, Natalie. Why can't we be together?
NATALIE PORTMAN
Um, because my name would be Padme Naberrie Amidala Skywalker. I may have put Jar Jar in charge in my absence, but I'm not a complete moron. Besides, I'm kinda worried Lucas is going to tell us we're brother and sister. We must not fall in love. Excuse me while I change into something that reveals more cleavage.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I wish I could just wish away my feelings by wishing a wish with which one wishes!
NATALIE PORTMAN
Wow. And George had help with the script, too.
HAYDEN finds out that his mother was killed by TUSKEN RAIDERS, so he slaughters every single last one of them.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I killed them all, Natalie. Women and children, too.
NATALIE PORTMAN
I see. I'm definitely in love with you now. Let's go rescue Ewan McGregor, who has been abducted on Genosis. But first, let me change into yet another god damned outfit and spawn yet another god damned action figure.
INT. GENOSIS
EWAN MCGREGOR
You'll never get away with this, Christopher Lee.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
That's, what, the three thousandth time I've heard that line in my career? Join me, Ewan.
EWAN MCGREGOR
In what?
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Uh, my, um.. I dunno. Whatever dude, it doesn't matter, we're all Ian McDiarmid's pawns anyway. You're fucked, enjoy being spidercrab food.
He leaves. NATALIE and HAYDEN arrive to rescue him. First, there is a short MEGA MAN GAME.
EXT. ENORMOUS FIGHTING ARENA
NATALIE, HAYDEN, and EWAN are chained to giant posts. Three monsters emerge, ready to kill them.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Oh, look, I got a big kitty. Looks like I'll be fine, how are you guys doing?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I sure am glad I'm wearing black robes right now.
Everyone fights their designated monster. NATALIE'S KITTY rips the midriff of her shirt off perfectly, exposing her well-toned tummy.
NATALIE PORTMAN
That was subtle.
As they fight, SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON comes in and puts a lightsaber to TEMUERA'S neck. He glares at CHRISTOPHER LEE.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Normally, both of you would be dead as fucking fried chicken by now, but since I'm in a transitional period, I don't want to kill either one of your asses.
Numerous JEDI appear. There is a shaky battle with an impossible-to-follow amount of stuff going on. Eventually, there is a break.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Surrender.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Nope.
The battle resumes exactly where it left off. Suddenly, YODA arrives with CLONE TROOPERS. The CLONES rip the place up.
AUDIENCE
Holy shit, they can actually aim!
CHRISTOPHER LEE escapes on a small speeder. He looks COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS. EWAN, NATALIE, and HAYDEN chase after him.
INT. BAY
CHRISTOPHER prepares to leave, but CERTAINLY NOT TO VISIT IAN MCDIARMID. CHRISTOPHER LEE shoots lightning at EWAN, who absorbs it into his lightsaber.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
You can absorb force lightning?
EWAN MCGREGOR
Oh, yeah, of course. I really ought to tell Luke that at some point, shouldn't I? I bet that would be helpful.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
God. Whatever.
He beats down HAYDEN and EWAN after a surprisingly tame lightsaber duel. YODA walks in. They levitate stuff and use lightning.
CHRISTOPHER LEE (CONT'D)
It's obvious this contest cannot be decided by our knowledge of the force, but by our ability to spit out our own horrible lines.
YODA
Yoda I am. Look badass while acting goofy I can.
They FIGHT.
AUDIENCE
YODA IS FIGHTING! THIS IS AWESOME! (pause) Wait, this looks fucking stupid. Why am I tolerating this assault on my childhood?
CHRISTOPHER LEE
It's obvious this contest cannot be decided by our skills with a lightsaber either, but rather by.. Um.. how many character names you have. Let's see, I have two or three.
YODA
I only have one. Go you may.
CHRISTOPHER LEE escapes. EWAN rises.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I had this horrible dream. I was an actor, and my job consisted of prancing about on blue sets and talking to sticks with pictures of faces taped to them. It was horrible. Who would do such a thing to the world of cinema?
YODA
It's all over now. Back in three dimensional, somewhat textured world you are.
NATALIE runs in.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Hayden! I'm completely in love with you, despite never being given a single god damned reason for it to be so. Let's get married!
IAN MCDIARMID
Yes, yes! Get married! Have children who will one day turn my Sith apprentice against me and lead to my demise! Everything is going according to my design!
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Stay tuned for the next installment: It Came From the Dark Side!
END